In my dreams

Now He's in my dreams.

On Monday night I had a dream...Wait! I should provide some background first...

Micheal and I have had a long hard year. Between the terrible twos, unemployment, hormones, tween-stuff... It's just been hard, and long, and hard... I've been convinced that we are in this time for a purpose and once in a while I even get a glimpse of what is being accomplished through these daily struggles. One glimpse was seeing Micheal step up and take responsibility for something going on in his life, and repent. Through hard work, prayer, accountability, and lots of God, he feels he's been healed of an issue that was hanging around for over 25 years! What's really to the point of this story, and getting back to the dream, is that I've been growing & learning, too. This stuff with Micheal was hard for me, and 'us', and I took it pretty personally, even though it pre-dated our marriage by years. Somehow I made it about me, when it wasn't. It felt like an intellectual affair, with his time & energy going to something else, something not me. But he's been healed and God's hand is evident in his life, our lives. But I had an unswept

corner in my heart....

So, I had a dream on Monday night. And in the way in which dreams always are, it was strange with more symbols than I can process. The high points are: I was in an arena with my family and many people we know and extended family, many of them ice skating and snacking on concessions. Suddenly, in the way dreams move you from place to place, I was without my family on the arena floor with many people in the seats all around. And there was a man who kissed me. And I kissed him back. In front of all these people I know, while I know I'm married, and they all know I'm married, and my family is there somewhere. Abruptly, I'm no longer on the arena floor, but somewhere else in the arena trying to come up with an explanation for Micheal and I'm mentally ticking through the all possible excuses, 'It didn't mean anything... I don't know how it happened... it was an accident... I won't do it again... it's not a problem... ...!!!' That's it - that's the dream. What set it apart, besides the part where I kiss someone other than Micheal, is the vivid impression it left with me. I can remember every detail clearly, particularly how it felt and what I thought.

Fast forward to Tuesday morning, I'm rushing to work. No time to think or pray about this - that would require setting aside time that I never have, or can't seem to make, in the morning. Driving to work, I think about this dream and try to think about what it could possible mean. I can't think of anyone 'the man' could represent. Did I eat something strange before bed? Am I afraid to stand in front of crowds? Am I contemplating an illicit affair? No - no - no. Must be something else so, as a last resort before dismissing it, I asked God, "What was that about? I'd never have an affair!" Before I even finished the thought my mind flooded with, 'you have affairs all the time.' I almost pulled the car over as I loudly exclaimed, "WHAT?!? I do not!" And, as if someone were directly in front of me, I heard, 'anytime you put something in front of me, or in front of Micheal, it's an affair,' and I clearly see examples I would rather keep hidden.

Conviction. So gently, God showed me how I had compartmentalized what I do from what everyone else does. Somehow, Micheal's issues had become awful (in my head and in my heart), I had taken it personally and made it about me when it never was. My affairs were 'just the way I deal with things.' When I avoid more important things by hiding in a book, or sleeping, or eating, or general business, and not putting first things first, I'm dealing with life in an unhealthy way. When I put my personal comfort in front of God, husband & family, it's an affair - I'm putting my needs and wants in first place. Whenever I allow my will to lead, it's the equivalent of an affair. Busted.

God talked to me - to me!!! I know he does this daily in ways I usually don't recognize, but this time I knew it right as it was happening. Strange, if Micheal or a friend pointed out one of my shortcomings it would feel like criticism and I would be defensive, but when God speaks it into my heart it feels like love. Love me more, God - there is no one like you!