18 Years

Today is a birthday or anniversary of sorts. 18 years ago, at about 11pm in a tiny room on the 11th floor of a dorm at Bemidji State University, I placed my trust in Jesus. I spent over an hour asking a very patient Campus Crusade for Christ student leader exactly what I would have to give up if I made this huge decision, really not concerned with what I would gain and definitely not grasping the infinite value of the gift offered to me. Finally, I tearfully gave up my will, my plans, and my heart in exchange for this new life in Christ and we knocked on the doors of some friends, waking them up to share the Good News. While this isn't a day I usually mark with more than cursory notice, I've been thinking about the pendulum swing of my faith over these 18 years.

I definitely had an 'Us & Them' mentality when I first became a Christian. I was now 'in' and everyone else was 'out.' I was excited to have a group of people that I could call friends who I had the most important thing in common with. The relationship with my boyfriend of 3 years came to a screeching halt with my new faith. He had heard the salvation message before and just wasn't interested, and I was convicted that our relationship couldn't go backwards and be pure again. God definitely had His hand on me when he led me to a Bible camp for the summer - a different one than I had applied to - a camp aligned with my new beliefs. At this camp I learned that Christians shouldn't dance, so we had a band come play and called it a concert (where everyone danced). And the only music that was allowed on the campgrounds was music on a Christian label, resulting in the first time I trashed all my 'nasty secular music'. I probably would have gotten rid of all my Iron Maiden cassettes anyway. I went back to Bemidji for another year in the fall of 1990, with a promise ring on my finger. I had met Micheal at camp and two years later we were married.

I remember times we threw out more secular music (not selling it because then someone else might be corrupted by it) and other decisions we made based on what we thought a Christian ought to do. We choose our church family by listening to rumors and stereotypes of certain denominations. We knew we couldn't be mainline, that's where I came from and I never heard the Gospel. Sure I could have quoted different creeds and the ten commandments and I knew enough to get confirmed, but I didn't know about relationship. We didn't want to be made to speak in tongues or anything else that seemed too strange.

Now I find myself re-evaluating again. I know there are definite right & wrongs, but I think the should & shouldn't areas are grayer that I ever realized. What is okay for me may not be okay for someone else. Is something making you sin? Get rid of it. Has it become an idol? Throw it out. Do you use it to comfort yourself? Is it temporary? What does God think about it? How does it apply to your life? Does it impede or enhance your relationship with Jesus? All this & more to consider.... Here's to 18 more years!

In my dreams

Now He's in my dreams.

On Monday night I had a dream...Wait! I should provide some background first...

Micheal and I have had a long hard year. Between the terrible twos, unemployment, hormones, tween-stuff... It's just been hard, and long, and hard... I've been convinced that we are in this time for a purpose and once in a while I even get a glimpse of what is being accomplished through these daily struggles. One glimpse was seeing Micheal step up and take responsibility for something going on in his life, and repent. Through hard work, prayer, accountability, and lots of God, he feels he's been healed of an issue that was hanging around for over 25 years! What's really to the point of this story, and getting back to the dream, is that I've been growing & learning, too. This stuff with Micheal was hard for me, and 'us', and I took it pretty personally, even though it pre-dated our marriage by years. Somehow I made it about me, when it wasn't. It felt like an intellectual affair, with his time & energy going to something else, something not me. But he's been healed and God's hand is evident in his life, our lives. But I had an unswept

corner in my heart....

So, I had a dream on Monday night. And in the way in which dreams always are, it was strange with more symbols than I can process. The high points are: I was in an arena with my family and many people we know and extended family, many of them ice skating and snacking on concessions. Suddenly, in the way dreams move you from place to place, I was without my family on the arena floor with many people in the seats all around. And there was a man who kissed me. And I kissed him back. In front of all these people I know, while I know I'm married, and they all know I'm married, and my family is there somewhere. Abruptly, I'm no longer on the arena floor, but somewhere else in the arena trying to come up with an explanation for Micheal and I'm mentally ticking through the all possible excuses, 'It didn't mean anything... I don't know how it happened... it was an accident... I won't do it again... it's not a problem... ...!!!' That's it - that's the dream. What set it apart, besides the part where I kiss someone other than Micheal, is the vivid impression it left with me. I can remember every detail clearly, particularly how it felt and what I thought.

Fast forward to Tuesday morning, I'm rushing to work. No time to think or pray about this - that would require setting aside time that I never have, or can't seem to make, in the morning. Driving to work, I think about this dream and try to think about what it could possible mean. I can't think of anyone 'the man' could represent. Did I eat something strange before bed? Am I afraid to stand in front of crowds? Am I contemplating an illicit affair? No - no - no. Must be something else so, as a last resort before dismissing it, I asked God, "What was that about? I'd never have an affair!" Before I even finished the thought my mind flooded with, 'you have affairs all the time.' I almost pulled the car over as I loudly exclaimed, "WHAT?!? I do not!" And, as if someone were directly in front of me, I heard, 'anytime you put something in front of me, or in front of Micheal, it's an affair,' and I clearly see examples I would rather keep hidden.

Conviction. So gently, God showed me how I had compartmentalized what I do from what everyone else does. Somehow, Micheal's issues had become awful (in my head and in my heart), I had taken it personally and made it about me when it never was. My affairs were 'just the way I deal with things.' When I avoid more important things by hiding in a book, or sleeping, or eating, or general business, and not putting first things first, I'm dealing with life in an unhealthy way. When I put my personal comfort in front of God, husband & family, it's an affair - I'm putting my needs and wants in first place. Whenever I allow my will to lead, it's the equivalent of an affair. Busted.

God talked to me - to me!!! I know he does this daily in ways I usually don't recognize, but this time I knew it right as it was happening. Strange, if Micheal or a friend pointed out one of my shortcomings it would feel like criticism and I would be defensive, but when God speaks it into my heart it feels like love. Love me more, God - there is no one like you!

Ugghhh!

I wrote a whole post titled 'Etymologically Speaking' and clicked something that I shouldn't have, and it's gone! (and I work in an Information Technology office! 'Oh the shame! Thought of changing my name...!'[Hakuna Matata]) I started to write it again, but it wasn't the same & I was unhappy with it, so I'll let it simmer for a while...

Motivation

"If you want to do something worthwhile, something memorable, you have to take that first step. And even when a project looks daunting, based on the sheer size and scope of it, when you break it down into the component steps, it's usually no more difficult than most things." ~Judy Martin, quilter

I joined a TOPS group (Take Off Pounds Sensibly) at work. So far I haven't taken off any pounds - truth be told, I usually just put on pounds in every un-sensible way and I'm wondering if I should just embrace this strength. I've been a member for about 6 weeks and just made my 2nd meeting, and first weigh-in yet. The weigh-in is really something I recommend for everyone. Really - if your goal for the day is to feel terrible, this is a great way to do it. At the weekly meeting there is always a brief talk given by a group member on a specific weight loss stategy. Today's was on the 'Exchange Diet,' which consists of tallying your allowed calories for the day, then monitoring your daily diet using a predetermined amount of starches, veggies, protein... Sounds great and it looks like it should work. The problem I have is that in addition to sounding like it may work, it also sounds LIKE work. You know, like the work I do 8+ hours a day behind a desk and then the work that occurs before work in the morning, on the way home, & when I get home... so I'll just fit this new type of work into my wide open schedule! Another group member commented on how great this exchange diet is and really makes her motivated in her post-Christmas slump. MOTIVATED? Seriously?!?

Which leads me to the conclusion, once again and quoting Brenda Gatlin ala Gospel of Wholeness, my wanter is broken. I'm not motivated to make changes in some of these hard areas of my life. I'm unhappy & unsatisfied, yet I'd rather remain here than over there. Things are surely better over there, they look better, but no - I'm fine right here, thank you very much! I'm not even sure I want my wanter to be fixed. I don't even know what that'd look like.

So I'm left with thoughts on my motivation. What is my motivation? Do I just like to pay dues for services I never use so I can pretend I'm attempting to make changes in my life? I know it's not because I have nothing better to do over lunch on Wednesdays. Maybe I just feel like I'm doing something by attending meetings so I can say I've tried it, "I've tried everything, this is just the way I am, I just need to accept myself." I know I don't like to feel like food has control over me, but is my motivation to change stronger than my motivation to stay right here? Not so far, but if God just could fix my wanter.... that just might be the first step.

Up & running......

I feel like this is monumental, like I should yell, "First!" But this is my blog, no one else knows I'm here (yet), so of course I'm first. I'll probably be second ("Second!"), too. This actually is monumental, this has been on my mind for a long time, a place where I can put ideas down on 'paper' and work on them 'out loud.' Sometimes I come up with things, sometimes God tells me things, and I think about how great that is and what a wonderful metaphor that is, and then I forget about it. In disobedience, it's gone. Some of that will end up here along with what I'm learning as I trudge along. Thanks for joining me!

I am reading 'The Great Omission,' by Dallas Willard. In a smaller section titled, 'The Disciplines of Christ-likeness,' Willard states,

"...we "put on" the new person by regular activities that are in our power, and we become what we could not be by direct effort. If we take note of and follow Jesus in what he did when he was not ministering or teaching, we will find ourselves led and enabled to do what he did when he was "on the spot." The single most obvious trait of those who profess Christ but do not grow into Christ-likeness is their refusal to take the reasonable and time-tested measures for spiritual growth........ When we accept moment-to-moment events and tribulations as the place where we receive God's provision, we patiently anticipate the action of His Spirit in our lives. In hope, we do our best to find and implement the ways in which our inner self can take on the character of the children of the Highest. This is the path of radical change..." (pp. 30-31).

Wow. I know I want the good stuff without the work. I want to hear God loud & clear, but can't find time to sit at His feet. I want to do what Jesus did, but not work for it. I want to 'be spiritual' while I watch TV or attend to other equally important things. If I attend one more church function, maybe that'll do it, what Willard calls 'Christian Consumerism.' I don't need that either. I just need God. Jesus only did what He saw the Father doing (John 5:19), I want to only do what I see Jesus do! God help me.

So, that's where I'm starting. I decided to follow Jesus 17 years ago, and here I am, starting again. Thank you God for taking me back, over & over. Now I'm going to bed, so I can get up and do what Jesus did! (Mark 1:35)