'those people' are back

Yesterday, 'on the 36th anniversary of the Roe vs. Wade Supreme Court decision that legalized abortion, a man smashed his SUV into the entrance of the Planned Parenthood office in St. Paul this morning' (Star Tribune). A few days before that there were 'Street Preachers' at the bus hub at UMD all day telling students to 'stop sinning and repent!' and then the pro-life sign-holders came, taking posts across the street with horrifying signs. Tuesday Barak Obama took office as the President of the United States, let the status wars begin on facebook (...is crying tears of joy! ...we're all doomed! Doomed I say! ....)

I was sad to see these things on the news, at my work, on facebook, on blogs. I do think life is sacred. I do think every baby deserves to live and have a loving home. I think people should stop sinning and repent. I also think you can be a democrat or a republican and still love Jesus. I know, I'm a heretic. Or I just love Jesus. I love Jesus. I. love. Jesus!

Everyone has their 'pet project;' republicans have democrats and vice versa, pro-lifers have the pro-choice, street preachers have... everyone who walks down their street. And I have all of them. So... I started this post thinking how they have it all wrong, every one of them and I just learned I am one of them because I feel this way about them. Nice. I guess I'm still working on this love stuff.

In my dreams

Now He's in my dreams.

On Monday night I had a dream...Wait! I should provide some background first...

Micheal and I have had a long hard year. Between the terrible twos, unemployment, hormones, tween-stuff... It's just been hard, and long, and hard... I've been convinced that we are in this time for a purpose and once in a while I even get a glimpse of what is being accomplished through these daily struggles. One glimpse was seeing Micheal step up and take responsibility for something going on in his life, and repent. Through hard work, prayer, accountability, and lots of God, he feels he's been healed of an issue that was hanging around for over 25 years! What's really to the point of this story, and getting back to the dream, is that I've been growing & learning, too. This stuff with Micheal was hard for me, and 'us', and I took it pretty personally, even though it pre-dated our marriage by years. Somehow I made it about me, when it wasn't. It felt like an intellectual affair, with his time & energy going to something else, something not me. But he's been healed and God's hand is evident in his life, our lives. But I had an unswept

corner in my heart....

So, I had a dream on Monday night. And in the way in which dreams always are, it was strange with more symbols than I can process. The high points are: I was in an arena with my family and many people we know and extended family, many of them ice skating and snacking on concessions. Suddenly, in the way dreams move you from place to place, I was without my family on the arena floor with many people in the seats all around. And there was a man who kissed me. And I kissed him back. In front of all these people I know, while I know I'm married, and they all know I'm married, and my family is there somewhere. Abruptly, I'm no longer on the arena floor, but somewhere else in the arena trying to come up with an explanation for Micheal and I'm mentally ticking through the all possible excuses, 'It didn't mean anything... I don't know how it happened... it was an accident... I won't do it again... it's not a problem... ...!!!' That's it - that's the dream. What set it apart, besides the part where I kiss someone other than Micheal, is the vivid impression it left with me. I can remember every detail clearly, particularly how it felt and what I thought.

Fast forward to Tuesday morning, I'm rushing to work. No time to think or pray about this - that would require setting aside time that I never have, or can't seem to make, in the morning. Driving to work, I think about this dream and try to think about what it could possible mean. I can't think of anyone 'the man' could represent. Did I eat something strange before bed? Am I afraid to stand in front of crowds? Am I contemplating an illicit affair? No - no - no. Must be something else so, as a last resort before dismissing it, I asked God, "What was that about? I'd never have an affair!" Before I even finished the thought my mind flooded with, 'you have affairs all the time.' I almost pulled the car over as I loudly exclaimed, "WHAT?!? I do not!" And, as if someone were directly in front of me, I heard, 'anytime you put something in front of me, or in front of Micheal, it's an affair,' and I clearly see examples I would rather keep hidden.

Conviction. So gently, God showed me how I had compartmentalized what I do from what everyone else does. Somehow, Micheal's issues had become awful (in my head and in my heart), I had taken it personally and made it about me when it never was. My affairs were 'just the way I deal with things.' When I avoid more important things by hiding in a book, or sleeping, or eating, or general business, and not putting first things first, I'm dealing with life in an unhealthy way. When I put my personal comfort in front of God, husband & family, it's an affair - I'm putting my needs and wants in first place. Whenever I allow my will to lead, it's the equivalent of an affair. Busted.

God talked to me - to me!!! I know he does this daily in ways I usually don't recognize, but this time I knew it right as it was happening. Strange, if Micheal or a friend pointed out one of my shortcomings it would feel like criticism and I would be defensive, but when God speaks it into my heart it feels like love. Love me more, God - there is no one like you!